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I remember it like it was yesterday. My parents rented a VCR from “Entertainment Galore”, the local video store, and with the VCR they rented “Return of the Jedi”. The vile gangster Jabba The Hutt kidnaps the lovely Princess Leia, it was a scary situation. That is until Leia comes out wearing a gold bikini and I felt something that I had never felt before. My eyes widened and my heart began to pound, I fell in love with the girl on the TV, the girl in the gold bikini. Carrie Fisher looked amazing and the bikini scenes and pictures stand the test of time. I’ve read that it was in fact George Lucas who designed the bikini and if true let me say to him: Thank you and god bless your brilliance. Not only did George Lucas create the greatest sci-fi franchise of all time but he turned me and millions of guys like me on to women. He opened my eyes to women and made me realize they truly are Gods greatest creation.

I read an article called “50 reasons why Return of the Jedi sucks” and it opened my eyes. It really is the worst of the original trilogy, and here are my reasons why. Ewoks: they suck and their goofball cuteness really wussified the whole freaking franchise. The Imperials should have massacred those Teddy Ruxpin wannabes. Screw cute and cuddly this is Star Wars dammit! One thing I never understood about George Lucas is that this is called ‘Star Wars’…WAR is stated in the title. It would have been cool had we seen some Ewoks explode or something during the battle. You’d think with those Imperial weapons and trooper training they would have taken out more Ewoks than they did. I just think if you are going to call your franchise ‘Star Wars’ you should really make them an adult oriented film, not family friendly. The Wookie battle in ‘Revenge Of The Sith’ was so much better and apparently that’s what Lucas originally had in mind for ‘Return’, but due to budget we were left with Ewoks. Also no matter how hot my first crush was parading around in that gold bikini her acting in that movie was terrible. Carrie Fisher herself later admitted to being all coked up while filming the movie, and I don’t mean she drank too much Coca-Cola folks, I’m talking the white nightmare! And if Jabba the Hutt was really such a vile gangster why would his ’Crew’ be made up of Muppet rejects not cool enough for Sesame Street. Boba Fett was cool but that’s it, the rest were all Muppet’s. Tony Soprano didn’t surround himself with Muppet’s….And Jabba the Hutt sucked, a 1500 pound slug may seem scary on paper but in reality he was just silly, but I did respect Jabba’s eye for women. What was up with Mark Hamill’s hair? He looked like a guy from the 60’s auditioning for “The Beatles”. And lastly the scene when Jabba and his crew were going to throw Luke and everyone into the sarlac pit…I’m I the only one who thought it looked like a huge vagina? In later years George Lucas put a computer generated monster in the pit and called it the sarlac…but the big sand vagina pit is still burned into my mind.

The best Star Wars movie was 1980’s The Empire Strikes Back. Yoda was the only cool Muppet in the original trilogy and the ending, Luke gets his hand cut off and Darth Vader tells him “I am you father”, one of the best scenes in movie history. What a great cliff hanger that was. And Han Solo was the coolest dude in the galaxy and he gets Princess Leia….he’s the man!
 
End of ‘Jedi’ rant. Live Long & Prosper!
 
-Chris Lockhart
@chrisloc1701

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